Laundry, done. Fruit, cut. Check, check check. Czech Republic (when do I get to go there?)

I’ve lost my curiosity, I’ve shut off my capability for learning, except in limited amounts. Because I get overwhelmed by how much there is out there to fall in love with. There was a time (college years, as one example) when like the newborn infant, absorbed all, considered all, pored over all. If I open my heart and mind to the world now, life will leave me behind. That’s because I also believe there is a time for learning, but there is a time for settling still, for solidifying one’s beliefs, for moving forward with what you have instead of looking for more.

I remain curious, but I curb that sense of wonder.

But occasionally, when some tendril of a young plant reaches through the cracks down to where I am, my eyes catch hold of the light peeking through.. and I lift my head. Then I find treasure trove of worlds I had forgotten, had known briefly, had shut away into the past..

..and what can that be but saudade?

Enough of that. I wonder what it would be like to end schoolwork at 3:30pm and watch a movie in the theatre every day of this week. Just to get lost in a dream, in dreaming. Comforted and still, and alone as one.

There is a way that people come alive. Some call it art. It’s what it means to be truly alive. When I was young, there was nothing that I wanted more than to be an actress or a gymnast/martial arts kicking heroine, to be a sagacious true blue friend. Now, there’s nothing more that I want than to be a normal human being in society without fear, to shine as stars do…………..

Long obedience in the same direction. Lay me low. To follow through on what I am convicted by, to ask for forgiveness and get started… #forsuchatimeasthis. Things are gonna happen with or without me, preordained things, majestic things, and I don’t want to be just an observer. To live in real time is the hardest thing for me to do because I exist in head time – what goes on in my planning and processing. #Stop backwards is pots.

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to head back up. We’re all in the gutter, looking up at the stars. You know that place you retreat to, to forget everything, you say to heck with it and dive into water, you turn desperately to do a reckless thing, you leave the countertop clean the dishes washed the laundry hanging the bills paid and you turn on your heels and you walk with a new old familiar gait into a strange world. Determined, to find a new thing.

It comes on the heel of a breakdown, it is a self-anesthesizing, it is a clash between what ought you do and what is good.. against the desire to be set free that’s almost drowning you, if you can’t feel anything now then you had better make yourself feel something SOON.


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