Infusion of hope (losing the battle for joy)

I’m churning out hope from nothing, dishing it up and scarfing it down like a twice-starved man. All my prior decision-making skills are gone to naught. Where is the SONG I SING when I can’t find my voice. Perseverance (what end goal am I holding on for), humbling self to ask for forgiveness (where do I start). Yes, I keep on keeping on — one day at a time, one step at a time. When all roads lead to dead ends it feels one ought to end dead. This surviving isn’t life.

Never underestimate the power of coming alongside someone. Love wraps herself around the wound and weeps while she speaks truth. My most influential people in life are grace-givers. They know grace and its attendant freedom and offer it freely to others. I value these friendships deeply. Yet, it seems no matter how carefully I tread, no matter how I move towards candor and counsel, no matter how I fight for constancy, that my insecurity is looming; it overwhelms and threatens to break bonds.

I’m realizing not only is grabbing hold of sanity like I’m gasping for air cumbersome, but I can’t overcome it on my own. That this might be a battle I’m not equipped for. I made an appt and hope to talk with my dr about options. This hyper self-awareness and low self-esteem. The inability to make eye contact. The fear in public places. Uncertain of how to move my body in space. Perfectionism, worry, anxiety. No, it’s not all the time, everytime. But it is a lot of the time.

I’ll let you know how it goes.


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